paintdrop

WASHINGTON (AD) Staring down a January deadline, President Obama has found a possible solution to holding time trials for Guantanamo Bay detainees: a third option, the Vancouver Olympics.

“Time is of the essence,” said the President, referring in one breath to his campaign promise to close the prison on the military base in Cuba, and the need for fairness of the outcome.
“Many hours of tense but amicable secret meetings have led to this possibility,” he added.

Kahlid Mohamed, sometimes referred to by his initials KSM, shared a good laugh with the President on hearing of the possible outcome. “My middle name isn’t Shred for nothing. I rule in men’s downhill.”

Sir Isaac Newton’s patented Force of Gravity and the terrorist’s girth nodded in tacit agreement at this jab.

“It will all be uphill for people like him,” Obaba replied with a fatherly scowl, “but there may be a hidden advantage to doing it this way. If the temperatures in Vancouver drop low enough, it may add momentum to our spending freeze.”

The image of dozens of Guantanamo Bay detainees slipping and sliding down the slopes had federal prosecutors nodding sagely, but civil rights groups were up in arms.

“The idea of having men who have never seen snow their entire lives compete for their freedom in alpine ski events is ludicrous,” the Chairman of the ASPCA shot back.

But there were tempering views as well. Snowboard champion Shaun Beige pointed out that he often practiced on sand dunes in Californa summers. “It is completely fair. The detainees are only competing against the clock.”

“Or the calendar,” one potentially snide but reliable source supplied on condition of anonymity. “After all, these guys know they aren’t in Kansas anymore.”

Unrelated story.

Palin Enters Self in Tidy Bowl Sweeps, Determined To Win!

You can say it started right here. Who will win the Tidy-Bowl Sweepstakes for 2010?

At that real Bowl game, what is it… oh yes I keep forgetting because it is so SUPER. At the start of Super Bowl halftime, February 7, 2010, the winner will be selected from the votes entered in comments on this site. America first! Everyone is a write-in candidate!

You can even vote yourself off the island!

But you can do better, way better. Yeah! Pick the politician or faux public servant of your choice (the one you would rid the planet of if given absolute power) and ENTER. Just type the name, spelled correctly if possible, into a comment below this story and hit the GO button.

We are just using Sarah Palin as an example! Because her appeal is so… unique n stuff.

At the end of the game, a loud flushing sound and fake screams will be heard from one end of the Internet to the other, we will all have a good laff and go about our business, secure in the fact that this is a Freaking Free Country and we have the First Amendment. Yes we do. We got it by sending cereal boxtops to Battle Creek Michigan in prehysterical times.

But now it is time to reveal the source of the unease you feel whenever you see the name… PALIN.

PALIN – L = PAIN

That’s right kiddies, the subliminal message is PAIN. That is the coded message Conservatives are sending to the world and deep into Outer Space. They took the word PAIN and stuck an L smack in the middle as a disguise. And there you are! PAIN for you and your kiddies.

But the irony does not end there! No! Where did they get the L they used for the clever disguise? L is for LEFT of course! Oh the humanity!

When will we get it? Oh, about the time enough of us figure out that some ideas are just plain bad juju.

Does your Toyota Remember Who It Can Turn To? Toyota Recall Announcement Turns Up Memory Difficulties In Some Models

NEW YORK — Toyota has announced that 2.3 million vehicles have developed memory problems. This recall failure affects some of America’s most popular cars. Toyota recently stated it will stop making those models while it works to remember how to fix the problem.

Wow.

But to make matters even more confusing to your Toyota, most cars having this recall issue were already involved in an earlier, unrelated problem involving gas pedals sticking on floor mats. Your Toyota will become insecure if it thinks it is doing something wrong.

What can you do to help your Toyota?

1. First, be calm if your Toyota does not remember who you are. Becoming excited can have negative effects on your Toyota, like forgetting to slow down.
   
2. Express your love and admiration for your Toyota in this difficult time in its young life.
3. Mention counselling. Your Toyota may first rebel at the thought of seeing a shrink, so take your time.
4. Talk about the old times. Many Toyotas have better recollection of events that happened earlier in their lives. It will build confidence if the two of you can just talk. Drive by the showroom where you first met. It will bring many pleasureable connections.
5. Know the risks. Approximately 50% of Toyota owners with recall problems will become clinically depressed, but there are many resources to help both the owner and the Toyota. One place to start is the FAA, or Feline Altzheimer’s Association. They have tips and small food treats.
6. Reassure your Toyota. Let it know it is loved and can continue to live at home during treatment.

This memory problem affects specific RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Highlander, Tundra, Sequoia, and some Camrys. None of those snooty Lexus or uppity Scion models are involved. They remember who their owners are!

That Steve Jobs is poised to take a tablet today could be Silicon Valley’s worst-kept secret. An Apple tablet has been speculated on for months, certainly well before Apple invited the press to San Francisco Wednesday to “Come see our latest source of gastric distress.”

If the burbling rumors indeed turn out to be true, and indeed they might or might not, a multimedia-rich Aspirin tablet, taken internally, could have the same mammoth effect on publishing and media as the iPod and iTunes had on digital music. What’s more, the iPad, iSlate, iDon’tKnow, or ‘whatever’ Apple’s new device is called could bring fresh heartburn into a tablet market that’s barely seen a burp until now.

The dastardly secret is, and you heard it here first, is that it REALLY IS a “tablet”. Yes, you swallow it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Then, your vision becomes equipped with a HUD display. Just like in the mining center control room of Avatar. Just like in the situation room of Minority Report.

You can see the projected screen (on the inside of your eyeballs) but no one else can. Just like in Virtual Reality, you reach out and gesture at the visual illusion to control it.

The rumor that Tablet users look like sleepwalkers groping their way down the streets of Silly Valley is completely unfounded. They are just looking for the damn off switch, which is mentioned in the 3134-page user manual. The user manual was out of print at press time.

CONCORD, N.H. – First the Old Man, now the Big Wind. New Hampshire’s Mount Washington has lost its distinction as the site of the fastest wind gust ever recorded on Earth, officials at the Mount Washington Observatory said Tuesday.

The concession came three days after Sarah Palin delivered the Real State of the Union Address at a Krispy Kreme shop in Wheel Barrow, Alaska.

That also tops the 231 mph record set atop Mount Washington on April 12, 1934.

What else really needs to be said? What we are witnessing here is a true American Statesman spinning the bearings off an anamometer. This is what real windbags are all about.

After months, GM finally sells a SaaB

DETROIT (AP) — They said it Couldn’t Be Done! U.S. auto giant General Motors Co. has defied the current downturn of the U.S. automobile market by selling the cutest little runabout ever — this baby-blue Saab 96, which has hung around a New Jersey showroom since 1961.

GM signed a deal Tuesday to sell the Saab (pronounced S-O-B) to Spyker Cars NV for $74 million in cash plus $326 million worth of preferred shares.

Pundits called it the most expensive car ever sold on the planet, more expensive than the ATV Tree-Killer in James Cameron’s Avatar. But hey, that was on Pandora.

The sale is a possible lifeline for GM.

But don’t hold your breath! Times being what they are, the finance companies have to get into the act. So… the deal hinges on a $550 million loan from the European Investment Bank.

This may not go through, as a secretary at the giant automaker was recently found to have accepted a donut from her boss on the way into work last Thursday, which may violate the new caps on executive bonuses.

But who will drive the World’s Most Expensive Car? Word on the street (literally imprinted into the sidewalk on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame) is that automotive enthusiast Jay Leno may hand over the Tonight Show to Senator Joe Lieberman so he can spend quality time with the frisky runabout.

Turkalurk narrowly missed discovery

Dateline Mon Jan 25, Gilroy, CA

GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST, Mont. – A nearly completely rare dinosaur skeleton stolen from private property in Montana and bored to death in an evidence locker for more than two years has turned over in its grave.

Finally.

Scientists at the Black Hills Institute of Geological Research in South Dakota say the 70-million-year-old turkey-sized predator could have been a new species of raptor. However, it was voted off the Island by spoilsport Simon Cowell, losing out to Susan Boyle.

“It’s a mean and nasty little dinosaur,” said Peter Larson, president of the institute. “Even though it’s not very big, you wouldn’t want to meet it in a dark bowling alley. Research tells us it had a 243 league average.”

Researchers say it’s unusual to find the skeleton of a meat-eating dinosaur in a Vegan restaurant, and especially one that’s so small.

“Well, no wonder it was small,” Larson remarked. “Its mom surely meant for it to eat meat.”

Because of its resemblance to a turkey and its tendency to hang out in dark places, scientists named the little bugger “Turkalurk.”

The stolen raptor fossil was at long last returned to the owners of the property where it had been innocently hanging about for, ummm… 70 million years, and they in turn sent it to the institute in South Dakota.

On it’s tummy. It always had the best flying dreams on its tummy.

http://www.kansascity.com/440/story/1704594.html

Dateline – Gilroy, CA 95020
ABCD news has reported that China plans to sell up to 5.8 billion Barry Bonds bobbly-headed dashboard dolls. The move will replenish China’s capital and meet government standards following a record surge in lending last year amid Beijing’s stimulus measures, a state-run gossip columnist reported.

Groups in the West raised the alarm to check each doll for lead content. “It is probably hidden in the bat,” one Conservative pundit muttered.

1. How long have you known your Mother?
2. Why?
3. You are happiest when your family appreciates:
a. Your lackluster expression – b. Your________ (fill in the blank) – c. Laughing at their jokes

4. How many siblings do you own?
5. Have you ever cooked one?
6. Were there any leftovers?
7. Why not?
8. What is a sibling?
9. (Arithmetic) How many are left now?